The Struggle Within

It being a mere two days from the start of this year’s second CampNaNoWriMo I thought I would shamelessly advertise that as well as work through some issues I’ve been having getting ready for July.

Recently, like a week ago, I finished the first draft of Rebel Love Song.

Now, when I finished Tiger, Tiger I didn’t have any problem taking a deep breath and setting it aside for a month and a half while I did other things. Rebel Love Song has proven to be a different kind of beast. I can’t get it out of my head. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing when I go to bed. I have entrenched my heart and psyche into that manuscript and as I try to pull back to give it some breathing room before starting revisions it just won’t let go.

Like that thing in Alien that clamps onto that guy’s face.

And here I sit, trying to prepare myself for another writing marathon for the month of July and I just can’t get my head into the game. Any other time, I would just surrender to the urge and knock out revisions on RLS, but here’s the thing; RLS is only the first book in what is going to be at least a seven book series. Did I mention it’s a dystopia? Yeah, talk about bad timing with that idea. And while I very much want to continue working on RLS and the next books, they need to be simmering on the back burner. They will be written, if for nothing more than I want to read them, but they can’t consume my existence right now.

So July is dedicated to The Charlatans (Title of a great song by Dakrya, highly recommend it) and my newest imaginary friend, Jace. Jace seems to be as annoyed with me as I am him. I’m hoping we can reach a truce in the next two days so we can get through Camp NaNo with as little bloodshed as possible.


The Sound of Madness: We All Fall Down

“Everybody feels these moments of sadness and moments of loss. And sometimes I think everybody can relate to sitting alone and feeling like crap and a friend of yours comes up and starts, you know, “Come on, feel happy!” And you don’t want that. Sometimes it’s all right to let yourself live in a moment and let yourself be upset about something and so that you can show yourself that, regardless of how low you feel, you can always rise out of it; but not at that moment. And so the song ends with the lyric I believe we all fall down but I don’t say, “But we get back up.” It’s just, sometimes you fall down and sometimes you feel low, and that’s okay.” ~ Andy Biersack, (Video)

I was one of many who saw Black Veil Brides’ Legion of the Black back in January and I knew as soon as this song started it was going to be one of my favorites. It was back in January that the only thing I was looking forward to in my life was the release of Wretched and Divine: The Story of the Wild Ones album and the concert in Cleveland on the 22nd. My first manuscript, Tiger, Tiger was sitting untouched on my hard drive, I hadn’t read anything in weeks—which as a self-professed bibliophile is unheard of—and I was having a hard time even getting up in the morning.

Then, in March, I quit my job. And I was happy for a couple weeks. I finished Tiger, Tiger and started getting serious about querying and started writing again and started looking for a part time job I would be happier doing. The rainbows and sunshine didn’t last long. I hadn’t really intended to quit my job until the first weekend in May and didn’t have the money saved up that I needed/wanted.

Be absolutely honest, my mindset the last two weeks has been no better than it was when I was slogging my way through a dead end job I hated. I’m angry, I’m depressed, my moods are in flux. I wake up in the morning and I want to scratch my skin off and start somewhere new. I need a job and I know I can get hired on in a restaurant no problem. But I don’t want to go back to something that pushed me so close to the abyss of No Return I almost fell in. But if nothing else pans out here in the next two weeks I’ll have to go back to the thing that almost killed me.

            “Lost it All” gets me on a damn near spiritual level.

I ruled the world. With these hands I shook the heavens to the ground.

I laid the gods to rest. I held the key to the kingdom, lions guarding castle walls.

Hail the king, of death.


Then I lost it all.

I’m dead and broken.

My back’s against the wall. Cut me open.

I’m just trying to breathe, just trying to figure it out.

Because I built these walls just to watch them crumbling down.

I said then I Lost it All.

And who can save me now?


I stood above

another war, another jewel upon the crown.

I was the fear of men.

But I was blind, I couldn’t see the world there right in front of me.

But now…I can.


‘Cause I Lost it All

Dead and broken.

My back’s against the wall.

Cut me open.

I’m just trying to breathe, just trying to figure it out.

Because I built these walls to watch them crumbling down.

I said then I Lost it All

and who can save me now?


I believe that we all fall down, sometimes.

Can’t you see that we all fall down?

I believe that we all fall down sometimes.


            Here’s a Link to the song.

This is the song that sits with me when I feel overwhelmed by everything and when it all seems out of reach. This song tells me to take a breath, stop scrambling, stop panicking. Just breathe. This song is my safe place.

It’s also the song my character in Rebel Love Song is modeled after. She falls a little more every day. Without the plucky “but we’ll try it again tomorrow” sentiment at the end of the song it leaves her open for a gauntlet of decisions. She’s low, slipping deeper inside herself, and there’s the question of whether or not she’s going to give this song a hopeful ending or if she’s going to lose herself. Who can save me now?