A song popped up on my shuffle the other day. I haven’t listened to it in months, not since I got it. I follow a lot of music-lover accounts on Twitter and they often tweet about how certain songs can take you back to a place in time. When those tweets come up, though, they’re usually referencing something pleasant.

For me, a lot of songs bring back memories of concerts or long drives to new places. I have certain albums I listen to if I’m city driving or highway driving. This song that came up, though, I don’t like to think about this song. Until Itunes spit it out, I had actually forgotten I had it.

I bought it in January while I was at my dad’s for the weekend. My sister and her girlfriend had moved back in with him. There wasn’t anywhere I could go to be by myself for any length of time. Mom was at her house, my sister and her girl were at dad’s, and I was feeling crushed. I’m not a gregarious person. I like being alone, prefer it even; concerts are about the only time I’m okay being with people. My job was killing me slowly, I hated my co-workers, I hated the repetitive tasks, I was—and still am—tired of living at home.

You know that scene in 300 where the Spartans line up with their shields and spears and literally push the Persians off the cliff? That’s what it felt like. Everything was pushing in on me, pressing me back.

So I had a bad day at work and I went to my dad’s where my sister tweeted about my foul mood. Angry, depressed, and at a complete loss of what to do with my life, I lashed back. Her final tweet was something along the lines of “You don’t have to be here.” And it was like a dark revelation.

No. I don’t have to be here. I don’t have to deal with this shitty job or these student loans or not having a place of my own. I don’t have to be here. I can leave. I can leave forever.

I sat on my bed, not scared at all. It was more akin to relief; like I had finally been given permission to leave the field. It would only hurt for a few seconds, probably burn. Severing the jugular and the carotid I would be dead in less than three minutes. The skin on your neck is so thin, it would be easy. And fast. My sister was downstairs watching TV wanting nothing to do with me. I had my stereo on. My dad wouldn’t be home for another two or three hours. They couldn’t save me. They wouldn’t have a prayer of saving me.

I don’t remember getting on Facebook or why I even thought to log on but someone I had friended during Black Veil Brides’ Legion of the Black viewing posted the lyrics.

 

Well I know the feeling,

of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge.

And there ain’t no healing

from cutting yourself with a jagged edge.

I’m telling you that it’s never that bad.

Take it from someone who’s been where you’re at.

Laid out on the floor

And you’re not sure you can take it anymore.

 

 

So just give it one more try, to a lullaby.

And turn this up on the radio.

If you can hear me now,

I’m reaching out

to let you know you’re not alone.

And if you can’t tell, I’m scared as hell

‘cause I can’t get you on the telephone.

So just close your eyes.

Oh, honey, here comes a lullaby.

Your very own lullaby

 

 

Please let me take you

out of the darkness and into the light.

‘Cause I have faith in you,

that you’re gonna make it through another night.

Stop thinking about

the easy way out.

There’s no need to go and blow the candle out.

Because you’re not done,

you’re far too young

and the best is yet to come.

 

 

So just give it one more try, to a lullaby.

And turn this up on the radio.

If you can hear me now,

I’m reaching out

to let you know you’re not alone.

And if you can’t tell, I’m scared as hell

‘cause I can’t get you on the telephone.

So just close your eyes.

Oh, honey, here comes a lullaby.

Your very own lullaby.

 

 

Well everybody’s hit the bottom.

Everybody’s been forgotten.

When everybody’s tired of being alone,

yeah, everybody’s been abandoned.

And left a little empty handed.

So if you’re out there barely hanging on…

 

 

Just give it one more try to a lullaby

and turn this up on the radio.

If you can hear me now,

I’m reaching out

to let you know you’re not alone.

And if you can’t tell, I’m scared as hell

‘cause I can’t get you on the telephone.

So just close your eyes.

Oh, honey, here comes a lullaby.

Your very own lullaby.

Oh, honey, here comes a lullaby.

Your very own lullaby.

(Nickelback, Lullaby)

 

I have no idea why she posted those words. She’s not a prolific updater and when she does it’s only a sentence or two. And I was mad. Finally, I had found a way out and then she had to post this song and suddenly the door was closed again. Music was right there to drag me back when I was ready to go. I was angry and completely broken. So I bought the song and sat on my bed screaming and crying until my dad got home.

I haven’t listened to this song since that day. Four months later, and I can still remember those thoughts of how little it would hurt. How easy it would be. But, as I switch to youtube and devour the new Black Veil Brides’ song Revelation the melancholy is eroded by excitement. June 11^th is hardly two weeks away. Warped Tour is a bare month away. There will be better memories.